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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Coats
Locked
Keys
Car
Break
Hanger
Hangers
Coat

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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