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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Car
Break
Hanger
Hangers
Coat
Coats
Locked
Keys

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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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