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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hanger
Hangers
Coat
Coats
Locked
Keys
Car
Break

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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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