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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Locked
Keys
Car
Break
Hanger
Hangers
Coat
Coats

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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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