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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Coat
Coats
Locked
Keys
Car
Break
Hanger
Hangers
More quotes by Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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