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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hanger
Hangers
Coat
Coats
Locked
Keys
Car
Break

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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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