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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wish
Born
Firsts
First
Unquote
Thing
Quote
Would
Died
Lasts
Last

More quotes by Steven Wright

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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright