Quote

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Lasts
Last
Wish
Born
Firsts
First
Unquote
Thing
Quote
Would
Died

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright