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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Wish
Born
Firsts
First
Unquote
Thing
Quote
Would
Died
Lasts
More quotes by Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
