Quote

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stills
Figured
Used
Sleeping
Still
Stealing
Sleep
Start
Stuff
Fetus
Mother
Fingerprints
Night
Sneak

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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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