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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Still
Stealing
Sleep
Start
Stuff
Fetus
Mother
Fingerprints
Night
Sneak
Stills
Figured
Used
Sleeping
More quotes by Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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