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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Teachers
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher
Told
Practice
Perfect
Practicing

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright