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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Practice
Perfect
Practicing
Funny
Teachers
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher
Told
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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