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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Perfect
Practicing
Funny
Teachers
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher
Told
Practice

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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What do batteries run on?
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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