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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Practice
Perfect
Practicing
Funny
Teachers
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher

More quotes by Steven Wright

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright