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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher
Told
Practice
Perfect
Practicing
Funny
Teachers

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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