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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Practice
Perfect
Practicing
Funny
Teachers
Makes
Stopped
School
Nobody
Humor
Teacher

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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