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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Finished
Built
Humor
Building
Already
Called
Funny
Buildings
Shouldn
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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