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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Buildings
Shouldn
Finished
Built
Humor
Building
Already
Called

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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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