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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Lasts
Hardly
Last
Actual
United
Miles
States
Spent
Folding
Ever
Size
Mile
Live
Summer
Maps
People
Says
Scale
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Scales

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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