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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
States
Spent
Folding
Ever
Size
Mile
Live
Summer
Maps
People
Says
Scale
Asks
Scales
Lasts
Hardly
Last
Actual
United
Miles

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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