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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rose
Shadow
Sun
Daylight
Humor
Savings
Funny
Shadows
Two
Twice
Everything
Confused
Time
Saving
More quotes by Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
