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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Time
Saving
Rose
Shadow
Sun
Daylight
Humor
Savings
Funny
Shadows
Two
Twice
Everything
Confused
More quotes by Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright