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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rose
Shadow
Sun
Daylight
Humor
Savings
Funny
Shadows
Two
Twice
Everything
Confused
Time
Saving
More quotes by Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
