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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Time
Saving
Rose
Shadow
Sun
Daylight
Humor
Savings
Funny
Shadows
Two
Twice
Everything
Confused
More quotes by Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
