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Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Pulitzer
Imagine

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright