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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Pulitzer
Imagine

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright