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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Near
Mouth
Weird
Mouths
Ears
Imagine
Look
Nowhere
Looks
Phones

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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright