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Is it possible to be totally partial?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Partial
Totally
Possible

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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright