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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eyeglasses
Prescription
Prescriptions
Ran
Yesterday
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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What do batteries run on?
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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