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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Prescription
Prescriptions
Ran
Yesterday
Eyeglasses

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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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