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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Prescription
Prescriptions
Ran
Yesterday
Eyeglasses

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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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