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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Live
Much
Would
Sponges
Deeper
Ocean
Humor
Funny
Didn
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
