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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Machines
Humor
Funny
Xerox
Extra
Extras
Machine
Mirror
Mirrors

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright