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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Powdered
Bought
Add
Humor
Water
Funny

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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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