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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Colors
Naked
Band
Color
Clear
School
Used

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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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