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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Color
Clear
School
Used
Colors
Naked
Band
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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