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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Band
Color
Clear
School
Used
Colors
Naked

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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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