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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Walking
Humor
Steps
Funny
Time
Think
Thinking
Stairs
Like
Step

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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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