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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Step
Walking
Humor
Steps
Funny
Time
Think
Thinking
Stairs

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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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What do batteries run on?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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