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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Repair
Horns
Hilarious
Humorous
Brakes
Couldn
Repairing
Humor
Brake
Funny
Horn
Made
Louder

More quotes by Steven Wright

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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright