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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Horns
Hilarious
Humorous
Brakes
Couldn
Repairing
Humor
Brake
Funny
Horn
Made
Louder
Repair
More quotes by Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
