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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Unfamiliar
Territory
Humor
Lost
Thought
More quotes by Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright