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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Engines
Clever
Smart
Humor
Weasels
Funny
Sucked
Business
Jet
May
Eagles
Soar
More quotes by Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
