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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Soar
Engines
Clever
Smart
Humor
Weasels
Funny
Sucked
Business
Jet
May
Eagles

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright