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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Kill
Humor
Peace
Funny
Life
Nobel
Irony
Prize

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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What do batteries run on?
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright