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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nobel
Irony
Prize
Kill
Humor
Peace
Funny
Life

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright