Quote

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall
Night
Asleep
Mean
Falls
Going
Legs

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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