Quote

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mean
Falls
Going
Legs
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall
Night
Asleep

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright