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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Asleep
Mean
Falls
Going
Legs
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall

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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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