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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mean
Falls
Going
Legs
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall
Night
Asleep

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright