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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Asleep
Mean
Falls
Going
Legs
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall

More quotes by Steven Wright

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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright