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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Legs
Humor
Funny
Hate
Means
Fall
Night
Asleep
Mean
Falls

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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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