Quote

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Kids
Brother
Around
Gets
Used
Humor
Looking
Strollers
Funny
Frantic
Running
Twins
Tell
Obey
Didn
Older

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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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