Quote

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Used
Humor
Looking
Strollers
Funny
Frantic
Running
Twins
Tell
Obey
Didn
Older
Kids
Brother
Around
Gets

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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