Quote

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Somebody
Roommate
Lasts
Duplicate
Last
Pointed
Funny
Exact
Night
Apartment
Everything
Replaced
Broke
Humor
Duplicates

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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