Quote

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Apartment
Everything
Replaced
Broke
Humor
Duplicates
Somebody
Roommate
Lasts
Duplicate
Last
Pointed
Funny
Exact

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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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