Quote

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Apartment
Everything
Replaced
Broke
Humor
Duplicates
Somebody
Roommate
Lasts
Duplicate
Last
Pointed
Funny
Exact

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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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