Quote

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Everything
Replaced
Broke
Humor
Duplicates
Somebody
Roommate
Lasts
Duplicate
Last
Pointed
Funny
Exact
Night
Apartment

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
Image
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
Image
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
Image
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Image
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
Image
What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
Image
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Image
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Image
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Image
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
Image
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
Image
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
Image
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright