Quote

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Pointed
Funny
Exact
Night
Apartment
Everything
Replaced
Broke
Humor
Duplicates
Somebody
Roommate
Lasts
Duplicate

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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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