Quote

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Sides
Cats
Animal
Comedian
Funny
Drop
Happens
Cat
Strap
Back
Humor
Toast
Always
Side
Toasts
Feet
Butter
Land
Lands

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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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