Quote

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eyes
Reading
Eye
Asleep
Funny
Sudden
Fall
Closed
Book
Notice
Time
Falling
Like
Humor

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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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