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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Eye
Asleep
Funny
Sudden
Fall
Closed
Book
Notice
Time
Falling
Like
Humor
Eyes
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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