Quote

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Eye
Asleep
Funny
Sudden
Fall
Closed
Book
Notice
Time
Falling
Like
Humor
Eyes

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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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